Bereavement

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nbpoppy121

Bereavement

Post by nbpoppy121 »

Until the end of November 2008 we had two Golden Retrievers, Defa and Poppy. Defa was nearly 16 years old when we made that heartbreaking decision to have hime put to sleep. It goes without saying that things have never been the same since. Poppy is 12 years old and has not eaten properly since we lost Defa. She eats treats OK, but not her proper food, if you see what I mean. She will pick at it but leave most.
I try to take her to new places for a walk so as not to remind her of Defa.
I think that we are doing all that we can but I would be grateful to hear of other members experience in this area.
Many thanks,
Colin :2039:
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Ellas mum
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Re: Bereavement

Post by Ellas mum »

Hi, and welcome to the site.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of Defa. He has been part of your family and a wonderful friend for such a long time. Most of us on here will have had to make this decision and it was the kindest and most loving thing you could do for him. As you have said, it leaves such a big empty space, and like you, Poppy will be grieving for her lost friend. Iv'e never had 2 goldens at one time, so I haven't experienced your situation, but I'm sure others will be along with their stories.

Do keep us informed of how things go.
Cobi and Ginnies Mum

Re: Bereavement

Post by Cobi and Ginnies Mum »

We are so sorry to hear about your loss of Defa, and poor Poppy must be missing him terribly, perhaps a distraction for your loss and Poppy's loss may be the answer, or have you thought of trying one of the herbal 'bach' type remedies that can be used for grief for Poppy ? if any of mine have decided that they don't like their food, I put a couple of spoonfuls of tuna in with it.

We have on occasions accidentally called one of our dogs by the name of the dog we have lost and they certainly do know the names and go and look, you feel terrible. We still miss the dogs we no longer have, but in a different way now several years have passed, some people I know say 'I'm never having another dog, I couldn't go through all that pain again', but we now think about 'the dog' that needs a good loving home for what ever reason it has come in to rescue.

We have always had two goldens,(3 for a few years which was due to a family crisis) the longest time we only had just one was 6 months and the least time was a week, which may to some think we were being disrespectful to the dog we had just lost, but we felt it was right to give another dog a good loving home from Jan, both our two are from Jan, prior to this we had always had them from puppies before we met Jan in 2000. All our dogs have been very active and have always played so this has kept the older one 'younger'.
When we lost Ceili in 2000, Abby would walk out of the room everytime I walked in and made it perfectly clear that I had taken her friend away, so 3 months later we met up with Jan, and collected Ginnie.

I know Ginnie sensed my sadness, as I was home with her all day, Ginnie still doesn't like being 'cuddled and loved' affection is on Ginnie's terms, (very aloof is Gin) but she had lost two pals, Jasmine died and then Abigail 11 weeks later, so back up the M6 (we always joke, 'keep your head down Gin' when we pass the turn off for Jan's when towing up to Scotland) and we collected, Cobi, best two goldens we have ever had for playing, sharing the same plate, bowl or dish, no arguments, they are more likely to 'fallout' over a stick or toy, then everything is forgotten, and best of friends again, until it's playtime!!!

Please let us know how you are all getting along, big kisses for Poppy from Gin & Co.
Eastonwolfs

Re: Bereavement

Post by Eastonwolfs »

Sorry to hear you lost Defa, who must have been very well cared for to live to 16, what a credit to you.

I think only those that have loved and lost a dog can truly understand, when we lost Sam we were all bereft, we'd only had Amber and Sam together for over 4 months but Ambers' behaviour just went off the wall when he died...

She was up all night every night, wandering around in a very weird fashion and wouldn't settle (they had both slept together in the kitchen before)...we tried to persevere but after 3 nights without any sleep we gave in and since then she's slept upstairs (on her own bed) with us...she just needed that comfort and reassurance...she was just too upset to be left alone...

She went off her food too...but that sorted itself out...

I must be honest I was shocked at how badly she reacted as we hadn't had the two of them that long really...

When I try to explain to people how we felt at the time I always say 'I didn't loose a dog, I lost a member of my family'...I still feel like that.

I wouldn't change Poppys routine too much if it were me, the loss of Defa and a change in walks etc might be too much...not sure what others think about that?

I hope you'll all start to feel better soon?

There's always suport on this site from like-minded people if you need it.
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Re: Bereavement

Post by janrobinson »

Hello and welcome to this site even though it is in such sad circumstances. I think everyone has said everything.

Just one question did Poppy have chance to say goodbye. I have always let mine in to say goodbye when it is over so to speak. and that seems to settle them a little. Once I did not do that it was with Ted and he was such a big lad I had to ask the vet to help me out to the car with him. Bonnie had been in the room with us all the time so I did not think to let her come over to him and her reaction afterwards was quite bizarre. If anyone came to the house she would freak out thinking ( I think ) that they were coming for her. It took 3 months and some herbal remedies to help her out of this. We never know what is going on in their minds.

Poppy will be missing him and will be wondering where he is and she will be sensing your unhappiness as well. It will get better for both of you.
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Re: Bereavement

Post by lynn wise »

Hello Colin, and welcome to the site. As Jan said, sorry that you have found us in such sad circumstances. I've put off answering this post as I found it upsetting. It's never easy loosing a dear friend, either for you or Poppy. I can only echo what everyone else says. Time will heal, but it doesn't lessen the joy that you all had together. For your part, remember the times you spent together as a family. Be as good to Poppy as you obviously were to Defa, she will settle in time. Meanwhile, take it a day at a time. I won't say I know what you are feeling, I don't. But I DO understand.

All the Best...Lynn
nbpoppy121

Re: Bereavement

Post by nbpoppy121 »

Hi,
Many thanks for your responses and advice, I am grateful. I will answer some of the points that have been made. Defa and Poppy were inseperable, she has been with him for all of her twelve years. We have never even put them in kennels, preferring instead to holiday in this country so we could take them with us. On the fatefull day Poppy remained very close to Defa right up until the time that the vet arrived. After the deed had been done we left him in situ (I stayed up all night with him and Poppy) and the following morning we took him to Hayes Farm pet crematorium in Frodsham. So Poppy really did remain with him right up to the end. I think that part of our problem is that Poppy can sense the way that we feel, this isn't easy to get round.
I have taken on board the advice about not changing her routine too much, will wait and see how this works out. In the meantime, thanks again for your words of advice and comfort.
By the way, the staff at the pet crematorium could not have been better, they gave me a poem (of sorts) to help us to understand that what we had done, and felt so guilty about, was the right thing. I can post this if anyone would be interested.
Regards,
Colin :2006:
PS ~ I have managed to get Defa 'published', on Rainbow Bridge. We really appreciate that.
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Re: Bereavement

Post by janrobinson »

Hi Colin,

I am sure we would like to read the poem they gave you. It may help someone else in this situation.
I think Poppy is grieving just as much as you are which is understandable. As you say she knows what has happened.

I always think that when we have to make the decision it is the best we can do for our wonderful faithful friends. They are with us and not frightened or worried and can just go to sleep quietly and peacefully. You must take comfort from that even though you are missing him dreadfully.
nbpoppy121

Re: Bereavement

Post by nbpoppy121 »

janrobinson wrote:Hi Colin,

I am sure we would like to read the poem they gave you. It may help someone else in this situation.
I think Poppy is grieving just as much as you are which is understandable. As you say she knows what has happened.

I always think that when we have to make the decision it is the best we can do for our wonderful faithful friends. They are with us and not frightened or worried and can just go to sleep quietly and peacefully. You must take comfort from that even though you are missing him dreadfully.
OK - here are the written words, given to us at the crem...

"If it should be that I grow frail and weak
and pain should keep me from my sleep
then you must do what must be done
for this, the last battle, can't be won.
You will be sad, I understand,
don't let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day, more than all the rest
your love and friendship stand the test.
We've had so many happy years
what is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want to suffer so,
when the time comes, please let me go.
Take me where my needs they'll tend,
only stay with me, until the end.
And hold me firm and speak to me
until my eyes no longer see.
I know, in time, you too will see
It is a kindness you do for me....."


Colin
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lynn wise
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Re: Bereavement

Post by lynn wise »

Beautiful words. It really says it all. Get the tissues out Jan.

Thankyou Colin.
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Re: Bereavement

Post by Ellas mum »

A lovely poem Colin.

Comforting words at this saddest of times.
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Re: Bereavement

Post by hairydog »

I think everything that has been said so far I cannot add, only that I think every situation is different, if you do have your loved pet put to sleep at the house and able to let the other dog/s come and say good bye I think this does help, but of course sometimes this isnt always the possible, ie:- if you have to take the pet to a vets and things turn out much worse than you thought.

I am sure in time Poppy will come round, personally I now couldnt have just one dog my two are inseperable so can understand how Poppy must be feeling.

Take each day at a time and soon you will be thinking of Defa in happier times...we have all been there so know how hard it can be..
Eastonwolfs

Re: Bereavement

Post by Eastonwolfs »

Lovely tribute to Defa on Rainbow Bridge too, what a lovely lad he was.
oscar12

Re: Bereavement

Post by oscar12 »

hello,
I can honestly say I know how you feel. I made the heartbreaking decision with my first bitch, Kizzy in 1996. Since then I have had 2 Goldens, a dog and a bitch[ Oscar and Bonnie, Oscar coming to us when Bonnie was just 4 months old]. They were inseparable and the second time I had to make the decision, November 2008, to let Oscar go aged 12, was awful. He had gone from being Mr Personality to not coming to greet me when I came in [even if there was a doggie treat in my bag]. He had arthritis for the last year of his life, barely affecting him but the last weeks of his life it became gradually worse, resulting in him being unintersted on doing anything other than sleep.
I made my lovely boy a promise one night when I had to hand-feed him and take his water to him, that the next day I would let him rest in peace instead of pain. As with my first dog, the vet came to the house and I held him wiht his head on my lap , talking to him and stroking him while the vet put him to sleep. His pal Bonnie had to stay in the front room wut my son because she was agitated and neither Oscar or the vdet would have had the calm atmosphere required for Oscar's passing. Bonnie came in when the vet left us alone with Oscar for a while and she sniffed him then went vey quiet.
I have Oscar's ashes and the day I brought them home, Bonnie paid them a lot of attention. I opened the lid of the beautiful wooden box and put it on the floor.she sniffed and wagged her tail, making a noise that was more excited then whining......very strange. I am convinced she knew it was her best friend.
She was very subdued and off her food for a few days but she soon improved. She is unwell with cauda equina which was diagnosed 2 years ago, and this is progressing. She is not up to the rolling around and play fighting she did with Oscar so wont be missing this aspect of being with him too much.
Things will get better with time but it is difficult.I still cry for no reason and writing this is bringing tears to my eyes
take care.
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Re: Bereavement

Post by CarolynM »

I am really sorry to hear about Defa - it is really strange how different dogs react. I hope Poppy has accepted the situation and is coping (the same goes for you as well of course)

Sorry I missed the original posting, I was in hospital and wired to the wrong sort of machine

When we lost our first Goldie Ben the dogs we had at the time (Anna and Chloe) went off their food for ages Chloe moreso than Anna. The dynamics of the 'pack' change. When we got Toby they reshuffled around and Anna became the leader over the whippersnapper. When we unfortunately lost Anna and Alex over a year later it hardly affected them.

The poem is really beautiful.

xx
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